Military Jokes

Xcelled194
Xcelled194
in CrossFire Barracks
:mad:==WARNING: THIS:mad:THREAD:mad:CONTAINS:mad:SEMI-ADULT:mad:CONTENT==:mad:
Don't continue if you can't handle it.
(which rules out most people on here :cool:)


Ok, now that that's out of the way (its not pr0n or anything, but can't hurt to warn....) I enjoy jokes and have stockpiled quite a few about the armed forces. I think I finally have enough to share.... So enjoy, and post any of your own :p

So there was a marine standing on a hill in Iraq yelling, "Come get me! Come get me! 1 marine is better than an Iraqi" So the terrorists send 1 man after him but he doesn't come back. The marine keeps shouting so they send 10 men after him but still none of them come back. The marine shouts, "Come on, come get me. Send all your men!" So they send 100 men. None of them come back. Finally, they send 10,000 men out. One man runs back severely wounded, shouting, "Don't go! Don't go! It's a trap! There are TWO of them!"

REAL NEWSPAPER ARTICLE: Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Ga., told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop under his jacket. When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door. Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the Toys for Tots program, Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe. After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene, the Marine was transported for treatment. "The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose, and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off the curb after stabbing the Marine," according to a police report.

A former sergeant recently got the job to be a teacher for one of the toughest kids' class. He also broke his back while serving and had to wear a brace cast which, fortunately, wasn't noticeable under his shirt. When he entered the classroom on day one and sat as his desk, kids were screaming and yelling, tossing stuff around the room, and finally, they broke a window. A sudden breeze made the teacher's tie fly around. He took the stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence. Everyone behaved the rest of the year.

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operation (AO):
* Paratrooper: Kills the snake.
* Armor: Runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.
* Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty . . . Ouch! Hey, that's not a kitty cat."
* Infantry (alt): "Ugh! Me see snake. Me like snake. Ouch! Me no like snake."
* Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Couldn't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake"
* Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.
* Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.
* SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.
* Corps Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants are awarded Silver Stars. (Cooks, Mechanics, Legal Clerks etc.)
* Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost
* Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.
* Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.
* Special Forces: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.

An officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses. "
"Warehouses? " the private shouted. "I thought you said wh0rehouses! "

Chances of being called gay:
At your gay wedding: 1%
On Crossfire: 99%

One thing I've learned from playing Crossfire is that a bunch of 12 year olds have slept with my mom.
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