Feed back please.
i'm writing a story for my english class....and this is what i've come up with so far. No trolling please.
All feed back would be nice...just don't troll please.
“Isn’t he the cutest little thing you’ve ever seen?”
The baby mouse looked up at the big golden blur ahead of him. Though he couldn’t see properly yet, smell and instinct assured him that everything was all right.
The golden blur stretched out what looked like a shimmering arm; warmth suffused his body as the arm surrounded him, he squeaked happily as the sensation of rising filled him.
“He’s adorable Myrtle, just like his brothers and sisters.” Cyrus, Myrtles husband, sat across the crib, watching his wife, Myrtle cradle the small baby mouse then placed him in a larger crib with his six other siblings.
“They all are adorable,” Myrtle replied, “every one of them.” She smiled as she stroked the kit’s head before whispering close to his ear. “My little Rollo.”
Rollo watched as the light dimmed, yet he didn’t feel even remotely frightened. All around him he could feel life, vibrating in the bodies next to him. He turned with a squeak as one of those bodies grasped his tail; he turned, taking in the scent of the offender. The other leaned across, still grasping his tail, smelling him. Rollo discovered he had a sister before a pleasant darkness fell upon him.
Rollo snapped awake. Something was wrong, He heard voices, still the same voices that comforted him and filled him joy, but their tone was hushed, and he sensed something in the air. He felt his siblings being picked up, one by one, until he was alone. He cried out into the darkness, hoping for something, anything to come to him and comfort him. His world suddenly shook, rocking back and forth violently. Rollo gave shriek after shriek, screaming his fear out into the darkness, then the light came back, surrounding him and lifting him up. It spoke soothingly, softly, filling him with peace. He felt himself being placed somewhere, he did not like it, it scratched and poked him, and it seemed to him that their was many of them, but it did smell nice though. He felt something else being placed next to him, his sister; she wriggled at the feel of their new home.
The voice spoke again, still soothingly, but there was something in it that made him want to cry out, not in pain from something poking or pulling him, but something pulling at him from the inside. The voice and the light left, leaving him alone with his sister, who began to push her way into the their new home. Deeper and deeper she pushed, then, she suddenly disappeared with a small squeak. Rollo waved his stubby limbs in an attempt to find his sister, his nose sucking in great gusts of air to trying to find a faint scent of his sister. But the overpowering reek of his new home was all he smelled.
He once again awoke from the darkness; something was coming for him, a new scent. Light suddenly pored into his shelter, but this light was different, it was light, but not the same light. It reached down for him, picking him up, cradling him and speaking softly, much like the golden light had before. He fell into slumber, completely exhausted.
“Poor little thing…orphaned at such a young age…” The tall, grey, somber mouse watched Rollo fall asleep, shaking his head. He surveyed the burnt landscape around him that had once been a farmhouse and fields of crops. The only standing building was the half burnt barn that the invaders had forgotten to light up properly. The mouse sighed.
“Rayner, what’s that you have there?” An equally tall, grey, female mouse approached him, hurrying through the debris.
“It’s a baby mouse, I think he’s one of Cyrus’s brood, Glisa” Rayner called back.
“Oh, poor thing,” Glisa hurried forward, taking Rollo from Rayner’s paws. She cradled Rollo and turned toward Raner.
“Did else anyone survive?”
“No, everything is burnt to the ground, and I think I found the Mycromy’s bodies, or what was left of it. You know how those filthy squirrels take no prisoners.” Rayner stamped his feet angrily.
“Well what’s done is done, and we have to care for this child…” Gilsa nuzzled Rollo.
“Aye…We have to take care of him…Try bring him up the way his parents would have wanted…” Rayner stared at the sleeping Rollo, wondering what this babe would become.
The baby mouse looked up at the big golden blur ahead of him. Though he couldn’t see properly yet, smell and instinct assured him that everything was all right.
The golden blur stretched out what looked like a shimmering arm; warmth suffused his body as the arm surrounded him, he squeaked happily as the sensation of rising filled him.
“He’s adorable Myrtle, just like his brothers and sisters.” Cyrus, Myrtles husband, sat across the crib, watching his wife, Myrtle cradle the small baby mouse then placed him in a larger crib with his six other siblings.
“They all are adorable,” Myrtle replied, “every one of them.” She smiled as she stroked the kit’s head before whispering close to his ear. “My little Rollo.”
Rollo watched as the light dimmed, yet he didn’t feel even remotely frightened. All around him he could feel life, vibrating in the bodies next to him. He turned with a squeak as one of those bodies grasped his tail; he turned, taking in the scent of the offender. The other leaned across, still grasping his tail, smelling him. Rollo discovered he had a sister before a pleasant darkness fell upon him.
Rollo snapped awake. Something was wrong, He heard voices, still the same voices that comforted him and filled him joy, but their tone was hushed, and he sensed something in the air. He felt his siblings being picked up, one by one, until he was alone. He cried out into the darkness, hoping for something, anything to come to him and comfort him. His world suddenly shook, rocking back and forth violently. Rollo gave shriek after shriek, screaming his fear out into the darkness, then the light came back, surrounding him and lifting him up. It spoke soothingly, softly, filling him with peace. He felt himself being placed somewhere, he did not like it, it scratched and poked him, and it seemed to him that their was many of them, but it did smell nice though. He felt something else being placed next to him, his sister; she wriggled at the feel of their new home.
The voice spoke again, still soothingly, but there was something in it that made him want to cry out, not in pain from something poking or pulling him, but something pulling at him from the inside. The voice and the light left, leaving him alone with his sister, who began to push her way into the their new home. Deeper and deeper she pushed, then, she suddenly disappeared with a small squeak. Rollo waved his stubby limbs in an attempt to find his sister, his nose sucking in great gusts of air to trying to find a faint scent of his sister. But the overpowering reek of his new home was all he smelled.
He once again awoke from the darkness; something was coming for him, a new scent. Light suddenly pored into his shelter, but this light was different, it was light, but not the same light. It reached down for him, picking him up, cradling him and speaking softly, much like the golden light had before. He fell into slumber, completely exhausted.
“Poor little thing…orphaned at such a young age…” The tall, grey, somber mouse watched Rollo fall asleep, shaking his head. He surveyed the burnt landscape around him that had once been a farmhouse and fields of crops. The only standing building was the half burnt barn that the invaders had forgotten to light up properly. The mouse sighed.
“Rayner, what’s that you have there?” An equally tall, grey, female mouse approached him, hurrying through the debris.
“It’s a baby mouse, I think he’s one of Cyrus’s brood, Glisa” Rayner called back.
“Oh, poor thing,” Glisa hurried forward, taking Rollo from Rayner’s paws. She cradled Rollo and turned toward Raner.
“Did else anyone survive?”
“No, everything is burnt to the ground, and I think I found the Mycromy’s bodies, or what was left of it. You know how those filthy squirrels take no prisoners.” Rayner stamped his feet angrily.
“Well what’s done is done, and we have to care for this child…” Gilsa nuzzled Rollo.
“Aye…We have to take care of him…Try bring him up the way his parents would have wanted…” Rayner stared at the sleeping Rollo, wondering what this babe would become.
All feed back would be nice...just don't troll please.
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Here is another exerpt from my growing story.
The Raven king Navereth stared out over his coniferous forest domain,
observing the masses of crows, magpies, and ravens swooping in-between trees rending the air with harsh cries. His empire spread out vast before him, spanning as far as the eye could see, and his nest was in the center this mighty kingdom. The massive pine tree he had chosen as his nesting site was the largest pine around for miles, thrusting up out of the forest like a ragged spike. He sighed and turned toward his lieutenant, Worc.
“Tell me, Worc, why are my legions in an uproar?” The massive raven stalked over to his bowed lieutenant, jet black feathers stirring up debris as he crossed his nest.
“My lord, the scouts have spotted a mousemaid near your borders, they intercepted her path, but she attacked them befor….ARGGGGHHH!!!!”
Worc flew backwards head over tails screeching in pain as Navereth rammed into him, beating and clawing.
“LIES!!! Do you really think I do not know all that happens in my kingdom? I watched the mousemaid come to my borders holding a white flag. A WHITE FLAG! My orders were to allow all treaties and peace committees into my kingdom! Yet I see you screeching for my scouts to attack an UNARMED mousemaid holding a WHITE FLAG!” Navereth batted Worc with a massive wing, nearly sending the crow over the side of the nest.
“My lord! We all know that you will continue the invasion! Why bandy words when we can just take!” Worc regained his footing, scrabbling away from the raking claws of his master.
“We are Ravens! Crows! Everybeast looks down on us! Sneers at our very name! We are looked on with out honor!” Navereth screeched at his cowering lieutenant, “I aim to not only install fear into my enemies, but honor enough that we rival the glory of the Eagles themselves!” Navereth’s claws pinned Worc to the ground, threatening to crush him. “Where is the honor in attacking an unarmed opponent? Where! You and your kind are the entire reason for why every Crow, Raven, or Magpie ruler is always unheard of! Wiped out! But my kingdom will continue on, even after my death, as the greatest empire that ever existed!”
Navereth released Worc, watching him clamber away in fright. “Bring the mouse to me. Now.”
Navereth turned around, ignoring Worc’s flight and commands. Where was the honor in this world? Navereth sighed, times had been harsh for the past three generations for the dark winged. His kind and like had been suffering from persecution from what seemed like the entire world. Every time their numbers where reduced because of a plague or war, no one helped, not even the coyotes, thieves that they were. But Navereth had a plan, a plan that would ensure the survival of his kind forever. If he could install honor into his honor-less species, than perhaps his kind would not have to endure the ridicule of the other creatures. And he would accomplish this feat through war, and through this war, he would elevate the dark winged to such a height that the dark winged would be respected until the end of time.
Cal lay in her prison, sore, bleeding, and angry, she had come with the flag of truce, only to be beaten by the crows and thrown into a stinking prison. But what did she except from such a race. They were all carrion, every one of them. There would be no honor here. There never was any honor in the carrion races since the dawn of time. They were all backstabbing murders.
Cal’s thoughts were interrupted by the squeak of her prison door being opened. She blinked against the light as she stepped out, being surprisingly helped by the magpie jailers.
“So, am I going to meet the big boss today or will it be that screeching feather pile you idiots call Commander Worc?”
“The prisoner will be silent! That is what the High Command orders.” The magpie jailer snapped.
“Oh really? Does he now, then I hope that he…”
Cal crashed to the ground as Worc’s closed talon slammed into the back of her head.
“She was getting to chatty for me.” Worc grinned as the two jailers burst out laughing at the unconscious mouse. “Bring her up to the Tower, if Lord Navereth asks about her state, tell him that she was already unconscious when you came to get her.”
“Lie to the High Command?” The two magpies backed off from Worc. “With all due respect Commander Worc, but we can’t lie to the High Command himself! He’d find out!”
“Rabbit scat! Fine! I’ll bring her myself,” Worc grasped Cal in his talons and powered himself into the air, “And I’ll tell Lord Navereth that you knocked the mousemaid unconscious too!” Worc flew up cackling, savoring the sight of the distraught magpies.
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